God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
