do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize