I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
