and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
