two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We are all done wearing pants today
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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