im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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