There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
