I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
