You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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