Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize