so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
