did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
