And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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