this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
