apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize