No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
