Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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