non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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