Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Hippo gnu deer
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
