It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
