I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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