I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
