got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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