Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
So squirting runs in the family.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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