where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
