Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
