Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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