Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
