I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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