Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
