remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
