My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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