Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
