It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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