I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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