It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
