on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
