Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
