My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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