my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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