I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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