never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Don't EVER smell your tampon
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I came so hard my ears popped.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
