God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
