Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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