homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
