I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
