bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
