Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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