My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
FUCK WHALES
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