pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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