i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
