The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
