She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize