OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
