my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Randomize
