yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
