yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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