I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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