Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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