I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
