I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
