Pappa wants mamma naked
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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