At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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