He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
