Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
